I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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