How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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