I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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