if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
