dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
