i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
