I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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