Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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