u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
did i just pee glitter
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