Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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