she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
