My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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