i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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