Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
