Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
