she was so not down for the gang bang
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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