I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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