i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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