I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
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