He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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