she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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