Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
