When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
