forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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