I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
