yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
