i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
