Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
