Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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