she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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