You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
