I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
