Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
