I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
