I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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