Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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