She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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