shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
