I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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