Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
