My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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