Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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