her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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