if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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