rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
