i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
