I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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