If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
