No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
