Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize