I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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