Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
