Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
