You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
