there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Randomize
