You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
