I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
