I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
