my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
