Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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