im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize