I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
