How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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