apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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